MasterCard commercials : FF9 style
by Tifa Almasy
Summary: Its a parody on those MasterCard commercials, FF9 style. rr please Chapter 5 uploaded!Plus an author's note
1. MasterCard

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This is a parody on those MasterCard commercials. Only its the FF9 characters. This all just for fun so I am not bashing any character in FF9 or any MasterCard commercial. 

Oh yeah, I do not own FF9 or any MasterCard commercial. Squaresoft owns FF9 and its the company MasterCard that does the commercials. So that's why you can't sue me. 

Rusty armor : 198 gil 

Sword : 200 gil 

Damaging one of the castle rooftops : 399 gil 

Being so annoying yet you live throughout the whole game : Priceless

Blue coat : 84 gil 

Straw hat : 23 gil 

Black Mage Staff : 234 gil 

Being so innocent and cute yet someone thinks that you are a bastard : Priceless 

Metal thong : 55 gil 

Feathers : 10 gil 

Hair dye : 60 gil 

Enjoy dressing up like a girl when you're a guy : Priceless 

Forks : 4 gil 

Gyshal pickles : 25 gil 

A dress ???? : 35 gil 

Your gender is unknown : Priceless 

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I hope you enjoyed reading my bad humor. Please review if you want after reading this but please no flames. I know this fic sucks but please just be nice about it though. Maybe after I am healed from writers' block, I could think up of more stuff to write for the other characters in FF9 unless no one wants me to. 


	2. MasterCard2 with Pepsi commercial parod...

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Sorry if I updated so late. I was busy for a couple of days and was sick but now I am feeling fine. Thank you so much for your nice reviews everyone and thank you inkblot for pointing out that Quina should really know its gender. I guess I'm just a little dumb. And yes, you almost scared me inkblot for I thought you were a flamer until I actually read your review. I almost had a heart attack but I am okay. Thanks again everyone for your lovely reviews. I feel so loved. *wipes away tear* And I am not bashing any FF9 character or character pairings. 

Disclaimer : Blah, Blah, Blah, I don't own FF9 or MasterCard commercials. Its just quite obvious. I'd be rich by now if I did own FF9 and MasterCard commercials. So you can't sue me. 

Oh great, I almost forgot. I must specially thank Kujabie and Squirlymoo for posting up their own MasterCard commercial in their review. Thank you, thank you so much. This really helps me out. So their commercials are included in this part as well. Thanks Kujabie and Squirlymoo. 

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Ooops...... again I apologize for interrupting this fic. *hears yelling from the readers*. Before this fic may begin, I have a special that I decided to add in this fic just because I well....... felt like it, yeah. *sweatdrop* Its from that Pepsi commercial Austin Powers did with Shitney.....er, I mean Britney Spears. So yeah, I forgot to add in the disclaimer that I don't own Pepsi commercials, Austin Powers, and Britney Spears as well or anything else mentioned in this fic. But you guys obviously know that I'm not rich, so its quite obvious that I don't own what I had just mentioned. And no offense to Britney fans. I apologize if you fans are offended. Just don't flame me, please. I adivse you Spears fans to scroll down the page for the MasterCard commercials. **That's enough blabbing for me. **

{ A big huge party is being celebrated for no particular reason. Everyone is invited, even Legolas from _The Lord of the Rings_ and Batman are in the party as well. Zidane is chatting with Dagger/Garnet when Blank all of a sudden taps Zidane behind the shoulder.} 

Blank : Zidane look, its Bitchney..... er, I mean Britney Spears drinking her crap..... I mean Pepsi. 

{ Britney Spears is walking with a bunch of guys whose I.Q. are no higher than 10. They just laugh at whatever she says. Britney then stops and drinks her crap...... I mean Pepsi. The morons just stare at her drinking.} 

Zidane : ( shouts) That's no Pepsi! (dramatic music ensues as he runs towards Britney and snatches the Pepsi from her hands. He "zips " the Pepsi can which reveals to be..) Its a Pepsi Twist. 

Britney : ( just stares at Zidane) Uh?!? 

Zidane : (points at Britney) And that's no Britney Spears!!!!! 

{ He punches Britney right in the face which made her fall, her back crashing into the table} 

Zidane : Its a man!!!!! 

{ Zidane then pulls Britney's hair. She screams in pain. The "wig" falls comes off and her "face" must have been connected to the "wig" since the "face" also came off as well. Britney was really.....} 

Steiner : AGHHHHHHH!!!!! ITS JAR JAR BINKS!!! I must destroy this vile creature. 

Jar Jar Binks : ( sees Steiner charging towards him with his sword) AHHHHHH!!!!! 

Qui-Gon : ( somewhere in the crowd) Yeah right. You really think I am going to save his life this time. Heck no. 

{ Steiner slices up the pathetic life form. Steiner then held up his sword for victory. Everyone cheers} 

Beatrix : Now that's the man I married.( hugs Steiner) 

Zidane : So I knew it. All along Britney Spears was Jar Jar Binks. That annoying creature form Star Wars Episode 1 : The Phantom Menace and Episode 2 : The Attack of the Clones. And he's now gone forever. Oh yeah!!!! ( starts to dance with Dagger. Everyone else starts to dance as well). 

Author : Now let the MasterCard commercials begin. 

Claw : 100 gil

Red hairdo : 60 gil 

Ugly green pants : 10 gil 

You just don't care at all : Priceless 

Cheap ugly make-up : 5 gil 

Big, huge dress : 233 gil 

Slim Fast (which was really not much help for this person) : 10 gil 

The most fattest character in FF9 : Priceless 

Orange hat : 6 gil 

Orange pants : 5 gil 

Stolen ladder : 8 gil 

Named after one of those little black circles hockey players like to hit with : Priceless 

Summoner's staff : 431 gil 

Tiara : 221 gil 

Pretty white dress : 239 gil 

Being flirted by a monkey boy : Priceless 

Flute : 121 gil 

Purple dress : 23 gil 

Ribbon : 4 gil 

Like to hang out with a bunch of moogles : Priceless 

Knight Sword : 531 gil 

Permed hair : 60 gil 

Armor : 259 gil 

Falling in love with an annoying guy *cough*Steiner*cough* : Priceless 

Kujabie's FF9 MasterCard commercial 

Ugly Clown garbs : $.01

White make-up : $.04 

Obnoxious twin jester : .$.50 

Looking like the love-children of Kefka : Priceless 

Squirlymoo's FF9 MasterCard commercial 

Ugly pants : 45 gil (c'mon, they had to be cheap) 

Hair ribbon : 4 gil 

Hitting on everything with legs : Priceless 

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Thank you for reading. Please review when you ever have the chance. And please, no flames. And you guys know that I don't own Star Wars as well. I apologize if this part wasn't that funny.( but except for Kujabie's and Squirlymoo's. Both of theirs' were hilarious. Way better than my take at a MasterCard parody. ) I hope you liked my little Pepsi parody commercial as well as my MasterCard parodies. And lets give Kujabie and Squirlymoo a big round of applause. *claps* I am definately an Anti- Spears fan. You call all that screeching, singing? Sorry Spears fans. Just had to give a reason why I despise her. And I am also an Anti-Binks fan. But almost everyone hate him anyways. Still, I apologize to the Binks fans out there. 

Heh-heh, I'll try and think up some more MasterCard commercials for FF9. Tell me what you think but no flames. 


	3. MasterCard3

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A/N: Hey everyone. Sorry if I hadn't updated lately. Its just that I have been so busy and just didn't have enough time to update. And I have a report that is due tomorrow as well...... heh-heh. Anyways, thank you for your replies. And special thanks to DeNerd, Jakob der Ludner ( and thank you for the FF7 Mastercard one, I may wanna write one about FF7, if I ever get a chance.), KawaiiLunaKitty, Shade-Angel, and Kid Majere. I hope I didn't forget anyone else. Thanks again everyone. ^_^

Rusty:Viko4Ever : The one who called Vivi a bastard was some guy in the part where you see Freya's hometown for the first. I like the Viko pairing. Eiko and Vivi seem so cute together. And yes, I agree Vivi is the greatest character of FF9. 

Disclaimer : I do not own FF9 or Mastercard commercials. Its quite obvious, isn't it? 

Kakob der Ludner's 

Oglop oil : 14 gil 

Frog cloak : 20 gil

Little crown : 40 gil

Being no bigger than everyone's shoe for almost the full extent of the game : priceless. 

DeNerd's 

Fancy hat: 49 Gil  
Posh Coat: 68 Gil  
Huge Trident: 203 Gil  
Being able to forget your rat-faced girlfriend completely: Priceless

KawaiiLunaKitty's 

Hilda Garde 1 : 3,546,000 gil 

Hilda Garde 2 : 4,743,000 gil 

Hilda Garde 3 : 5,784,000 gil 

Being turned into an oglop and having your life's 

work stolen by your very own wife : priceless 

Shade-Angel's 

Moogle brush : 10 gil

Bob bob dye : 55 gil 

Ribbon replacement : 25 gil 

Being able to stay in Eiko's dress for half the game :priceless 

Kid Majere's 

blue dragon mask : 2 gil 

weird funky glasses : 4 gil 

outfit that's too small : 5 gil 

having the stupidest laugh in the game : priceless 

Here are some more of my parodies : 

Lipstick : 24 gil 

Eye liner : 23 gil 

Another purple thong : 45 gil 

Could possibly be a Sephiroth clone, only a female version though : priceless 

Silver pot : 12 gil 

Brown trousers : 9 gil 

Little sword : 24 gil 

The author can't think of a little MasterCard message for you : priceless 

Blouse : 24 gil 

Ultima Weapon : 4,000 gil 

Another pair of ugly pants : 8 gil 

Finding out that you are the brother of a cross dresser : priceless 

Pendant : 541 gil 

Pretty dress : 87 gil 

Garnet orb : 89 gil 

You just become queen, then your castle grows wings

and it gets destroyed by some giant thing : priceless 

Long black armor : 45 gil 

Long black cape : 23 gil 

The Invincible ( I forget the name of that ship with the big eyeball): 56,978,000 gil 

You are not related to Judy Garland : priceless 

Big glasses : 24 gil 

Suit : 13 gil 

Telescope : 67 gil 

You don't get any credit for your little poem, some guy in rusty armor 

sort of does : priceless 

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I'll try and update some more if I ever have the chance. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I like all of the FF9 characters. I wrote this all for fun. And thanks again to my reviewers and the reviewers who helped me out by putting in their own MasterCard parody segment. They were so hilarious.

Please review if you ever have the chance. No flames please. I accept constructive criticism though. 

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Ah, I now have to work for my project in Geography class. Bye everyone!!!!! ^_^


	4. MasterCard 4

I am so sorry that I haven't updated in a million years. Man, my math and Spanish grades aren't so great. *sigh* And today, I've just realized that my resume and thank you letter was due in English and I had no idea about the due date. And my teacher does not give mercy to students that forgets their assignment, she would only give a zero grade. Great, I was able to raise my grade to a C for my report card and now I get a feeling that is had been brought down because of those zeroes. Now my chances of be able to raise that C grade (which probably isn't any longer) by interim are gone and I have to raise that low grade back to a C. *cries* 

Anyways, thank you all for reviewing, especially to Angelus, Raiegki Reiko Leviathan, Eika, General_Beatrix_666, Viko Lover, S.queen, and anyone else I probably forgot to thank. Hope you enjoy this chapter. r/r please and of course, as always, no flames. 

Disclaimer : I do not own FF9 or MasterCard commercials. If I did, then I wouldn't waste my time writing stupid parodies like this....j/k!!!! Of course I writing parodies of all sorts. But I'm not kidding about not owning FF9 or MasterCard.

General_Beatrix_666's MasterCard

FF9 video game : 70 gil

FF9 strategy guide that you just bought to get the items that you missed : 30 gil

All the pencils you used to write with : 10 gil

Getting reviews filled with joy as your adoring fans praise your work : priceless

(A/N : Hmmm..... I wonder who that is. LOL.)

General_Beatrix_666's other MasterCard

Surgery for missing eye and an eye patch : 300 gil

Long white vest that show your chest to draw people's eyes away from the patch : 30 gil

'Save The Queen' : 2100 gil 

Having a boyfriend that is completely annoying and looks as if he hasn't slept in 

years : For Sale....but still priceless

Raiegki Reiko Leviathan's MasterCard 

Moogle flute : 80 gil 

World Map : 100 gil

Getting really annoyed when someone calls you, then tells you to go away : priceless

Eika's MasterCard

Paying back for stolen food : 20 gil

Keeping the maid happy : 10 gil

A spare flute : 30 gil

Getting adopted after being alone for years : priceless

S.queen's MasterCard 

Ultra hold hair gel : 20 gil

Black underwearish pants : 15 gil

belt : 10 gil

Being able to walk around in your underwear in public : priceless

Angelus's Mastercard

Swords : 500 gil

Helmet : 45 gil

Scarf : 5 gil 

Having four arms to fondle yourself with : priceless

Viko Lover's MasterCard

Pendant : 541 gil 

Pretty dress : 87 gil 

Garnet orb : 89 gil 

You just become queen, then your castle gets destroyed by some giant thing : priceless

(A/N to Viko : thanks for your suggestion. I realized that mine was too long and that your shorter version was much better. Thanks again.)

Now, here's some of mine( which are probably real horrible but oh well) :

Purple bras : 25 gil 

Lip gloss : 10 gil

A drawer full of metal thongs : 60 gil

Able to make your hair red when in Trance : priceless

Blue coat : 10 gil

Shoes : 8 gil

Small leather belt : 12 gil 

Having a secret crush on a certain blue haired summoner : priceless

(A/N : Hey, it could happen) 

Puffy white blouse : 13 gil 

A case full of forks : 34 gil

An extra chef's hat : 7 gil

Possibly having a bigger appetite than Queen Brahme : priceless

Dark cloak : 5 gil 

Raft : 15 gil 

Spare food : 23 gil 

Risking your own life just to safe your daughter : priceless

(A/N : It isn't suppose to be considered funny but this certain someone should be greatly honored for her love and sacrifice. *sniff*) 

Earrings : 23 gil 

Perfume : 25 gil 

A very revealing dress : 30 gil 

Secretly having an affair with a certain someone that is already MARRIED : priceless

Thank you everyone for reading this chapter. Please review if you have the chance (no flames though). 

Now, to study for my Geography test tomorrow and my vocab quiz in Spanish. 


	5. MasterCard 5

Well, I have some good news for you all. I have FINALLY updated this fic. Woo-hoo! 

But, I have some bad news as well. The bad news is...this is my final update. The reason why is I tend to take forever updating...and I feel guilty because I know all of you guys that post your own master card parody really want to see your post a part of my not-so great fanfic. And plus, this year, is my hectic year since I have to take SATs, study for tests, and start searching for colleges. So my online hours have to be lessened in order for me to successfully pass this year. I'm sorry, but I have no choice. I'm still a fanfic writer here but I'll no longer write more Master Card parodies(or for any other genre as well). Fanfiction stories are different, for I can take almost an eternity updating for it's understandable that a writer takes their time when writing stories because of editing and all. But as for fics like mine, I can't take forever since well, you wouldn't to wait a million years just to see your request posted. Anyways, I thank you all for your reviews and requests (they really helped me out a lot ^_^). I have and will always appreciate your support. If it weren't for everyone's reviews, this fic would of been 'dead' at chapter one. 

Again, thank you everyone. 

__

Kuja : (glares at Tifa Almasy) Do I have to say this? Why can't you say the disclaimer? 

Tifa Almasy : Well...I bet everyone is sick and tired of me saying the disclaimer. So, why don't you say the darn disclaimer just this once, my cross-dressing friend. 

Kuja : (enraged) I am not a cross-dresser!!! I just happen to enjoy being dressed in this attire. Can't a man freely wear a metal thong? 

Tifa Almasy : Then say the freakin' disclaimer. Or else I'll write a fanfic dedicated for all the anti-Kuja fans out there. 

Kuja : (frustrated) Alright, alright, I'll do it. (reads from a piece of paper) Tifa Almasy, the wonderful fanfic writer (mutters 'yeah right')...

Tifa Almasy : (smirks) Right now, I have all sorts of fanfic ideas contained in my brain that would make the perfect Final Fantasy IX fanfic, filled with Kuja bashing...

Kuja : (groans and repeats what he had just read) Tifa Almasy, the wonderful fanfic writer, is in no way affiliated with Squaresoft or Master Card. She is merely writing this parody as an entertainment purpose just for the heck of it. So, please, don't sue Mrs. Almasy. And please, feel free to review once you are done viewing this parody. (stops reading and stares at Tifa Almasy in disbelief) Mrs. Almasy? Since when are you married to Seifer Almasy? I thought he's with Quistis now. Or, was Seifer with Fujin? Or maybe with Selphie or some girl that was created by an unknown being from a place called Earth. 

Tifa Almasy : (blushes) Well, I...Seifer and I have been married for a while. 

Kuja : (laughs) Yeah right.

Tifa Almasy : (begins to grin evilly) You know what, I think I better start writing that lovely fanfic that I promised to write for you. A great love story, involving you and Zidane. 

Kuja : (shocked) You wouldn't dare...

Tifa Almasy : Watch me....muwhahaha! (runs off) 

Kuja : (angrily) Come back here!!! (chases after Tifa) 

(A/N : Sorry if Kuja was OOC. *dodges against bottles thrown from Kuja loving fans. But I love Kuja too...I just like to pick on him at times. Lol. Sorry if the 'disclaimer' took forever. I just got carried away. And, don't take the whole 'marriage' between me and Seifer seriously. It was just a joke. ) 

the random monkey's MasterCard 

Not doing homework Sunday night : unprepared for a big speech

Not doing homework Monday night : a '0' in math

Not doing homework Tuesday night : 'F' on English quiz

Not doing homework Wednesday night : Drop a letter grade in Government 

Not doing homework Thursday night : bomb Spanish test

Staying up until midnight : several friends and a job

Staying up until noon on Saturday : Miss Tokyo Pig

Finding out at 12:30 Saturday night that he doesn't really die : priceless 

(A/N: LOL. That was pretty cute, random monkey. Yep, all of that is pretty much me too.) 

Lyaso's MasterCard 

Orange Rain Coat : 567 gil

Polearm : 20 gil

Custom Leather Boots : 50 gil

Being able to skewer enemies from high altitudes : priceless 

x-Princess-Garnet-x's MasterCard

Cargo ship : 120 gil 

Black mage army : 290 gil

Finding out the South Gate is NOT an illusion when you crash into it: priceless

night at inn : 100 gil

new equipment : 400 gil 

cargo ship ride : Free

Getting a chance to "accidently" grab the Princess's ass: priceless

Fork : 400 gil

lamias tiara : 600 gil 

glass armlet : 300 gil

getting married to Vivi : priceless 

creation : free

Making the Invincible : 4 billion gil

creating the genomes : 4 billion gil 

Having a stupid name : priceless

Steeple 333's MasterCard

Ultra-stealthy Black Waltz : 5, 860 gil 

Black ninja outfit : 2,500 gil 

big metal mace : 1,350 gil

The sweet revenge of sneaking into the person who blackmailed you into looking like a girl's house and burning his ass and then beating his head in: priceless 

(Kuja : (laughs) Muwhahahaha!!! 

Era Yachi's MasterCard 

Strange feather things : 15 gil 

Revealing outfit made out of enough thread to fill an thimble : 45 gil

Giant axe : 60 gil 

Having a little secret crush on a 6'10 guy that has a funny hairdo all the while denying it by swearing to collect the bounty on his head and then make peace with the moogles of Madain Sari: Damn priceless 

Eika's MasterCard 

Tail brush : 10 gil

Garnet Ring : 500 gil

Dark Cloak : 30 gil

Surprising your love one during a play and popping the question : priceless

Eiko Makimachi's Master Card 

A big palace in the middle of a desert: 150 gil

Daggers : 100 gil

Being sucked into a yaoi story with your own brother : priceless 

(Zidane : Bleh!!!) 

A FFIX CD : 65 gil 

Computer with internet : 500 gil plus 50 gil per hour connected.

Write a mail fic with FFIX, receive more than 80 reviews and be a popular FFIX writer : priceless 

(A/N : Gee, I don't know if I'm a favorite FFIX writer...but I'm pretty sure you are, Eiko. ^_^)

(A/N : Now, I know this character is not a part of FFIX but I had to put this one here since I had once promised a while ago that I'd write a FF VII MasterCard parody, which I now don't plan on fulfilling my promise because of my hectic school life. So, Jakob, since I like your MasterCard for this specific FF VII character, I just had to post it here for you.) 

Jakob der Ludner's MasterCard (for FFVII) 

Long spear : 500 gil 

Cigarette : 10 gil 

Pilot's goggles : 50 gil 

Swearing so much you could be put in the Osbournes. 

Now, here are my MasterCards(which probably still sucks cause they're written by me). 

A saddle : 80 gil

Grooming care : 700 gil

Reins: 90 gil 

Somehow the same color coordinate as your Master's outfit : priceless 

Wooden bowls : 30 gil

Steel pot : 20 gil 

A stirring spoon : 14 gil

Making the best tasting meal in order to impress your one true 'love': priceless 

A bouquet of roses: 20 gil 

A band of musicians : 40 gil per musician 

Elegant robes : 100 gil 

Singing a serenade to win the heart of a certain female knight: priceless 

Notebooks : 30 gil 

Pens : 5 gil 

Inspiration : No cost at all 

Creating stories in order to dedicate your love for FF IX : priceless 

__

And...that's that. It was real fun creating all these MasterCard parodies and reading(and posting) many of my reviewers' very own MasterCard parodies. All of you guys that requested your own MasterCard to be published are funny, much funnier than my crappy ones. Lol. Anyways, I am grateful for everyone that has reviewed this fanfic. Again, I thank all of you for enjoying my parody. I love you all. *hugs everyone that reviewed* 


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